Tuesday June 21st

Ok, today sucks! It hurts soooooo frickin bad. I know days like today will come and go... I cannot explain to another how I feel so stuck in this nightmire. I am powerless, I am weak, I am hurt, I am sad, I am angry, I feel like my head is spinning and I don't care.... The miss I feel cuts me like a knife. I myself have said divorce is like a death, breakups with friends are like a death... NOT TRUE!!! You can always talk to them.... seek forgiveness.... do something to ease the pain. This is FINAL.. I can't do anything.... I all I can do is cry and beg Jesus to take care of you.. I would do anything to touch you, talk to you, see you, hug you, hang out with you, fight with you, anything... Life will never be the same... never be as happy or complete. You will always be missing in my life... but alive in my heart. I have noticed people have started... Sometimes when I mention your name they just look at me and don't say much.. I will always talk about you and they can all stand there with the dumb look on their faces.. I love you punkin' you are the bomb and I will never forget it... I feel so cheated..... ( I should stop feeling sorry for myself ) I am sure you are better off now..

I Love you ALWAYS
Mom

Thursday June 16th

Hey Nickster,

I am sorry I have not written..... I have thought of it nightly and cannot bring myself to it. I have done allot of soul searching as usual and you are so with me.. I am so glad I know we are still together in a strange type of way... You are an old soul and I feel we have been together before. I am sure of it. Please show me in my dreams that you are going to wait for me... You know how much I love you and I want to be with you again. I heard you tell me there is nothing we can do now exept learn to move forward with the way this is... I am ready now.. I want to learn to communicate with you. I need you in my life.. You are a soul mate.. I know Jesus is helping me and you through this..

Love,
Mom

Sunday June 5

Another day passes by.... I woke up this morning the same way I do everyday... Thinking of you.. Every morning I wake up and have to remember you are gone... It is not the nicest thing to wake up too... Today you gave me something special and it made my day. I have felt good most of the day.. I am so glad to know you are with me.. I don't know why everytime I go into your room I have to make myself realize you are gone .. over and over... I just would have not EVER thought this would happen to us.. You and I were alway close and I never imagined us apart like this. I know we will make it work as best we can.... I need you... I Love You!!
Love Mom....

Friday June 3

Hey Bud,

Today was a busy day.. My eyes hurt from crying. There is nothing I can do when it starts... I have to start remembering happy memories to bring me back... Someone asked me today about my necklace and I was proud to tell them it was you!! That I am able to have a little piece of you with me all the time. Earlier today in driving by a few different places in Glendale I thought about you and your infectious smile... You always made me smile.. Your pictures prove what a ham you were.... I feel close to you tonight and it is comforting. I know you and I am sure you are trying to figure out how we can still be close to each other being so far apart... Just always remember I will love you for eternity. I will be with you again someday. I miss you sooooo much!! I miss you driving me around.. I miss you listening to your music .... I miss you playing X-box in your room.. I miss you fighting with your sisters... I miss waking you up in the morning and you grunting at me.... I miss you making me breakfast.... Chef Nicky..... I miss your schemes to make money.... I miss you opening the door everyday when I get home.... I miss play fighting with you in the kitchen... I miss you showing me your "GUNS"" lol I just miss you......... I will miss you til I can be with you again..
LOVE MOM

Thursday June 2

Again it was just another day... Work keeps me busy, but I still think about you throughout the day... Sometimes my heart just sinks and hurts so BAD!! I hope Jesus keeps helping me drive looking through big teary eyes.. I just want to talk to you... I want you to talk back to me.. I find it harder as time marches on.. I hate waking up everyday and having to realise you are gone. It makes me what to stay asleep forever. I hate going to bed at night because I know I have to wake up again tomorrow... I know we can't turn back time but I don't know how to accept that I have to live without you here. I am sure you are close to me.. but it is not the same.. It is hard to know what to do next.. I always thought I knew what to do and tried to always do my best... now I am just wandering through life. You are my baby and I cannot let it go.. I try very hard to be a good mom to the girls.. You would want that too... I know that... I am trying really hard to be normal with the rest of the world.. It is hard. I am so happy for the time we were together.. I am so happy I have so many fun and happy memories.. I have been working on your website.. You are proud of me for that I know.. :) You would be very excited to see your name.com. I want to make sure everyone that knew you can still visit you.. and people that didn't get a chance to meet you can!!! I hope everyone shares their stories about you with us for the site.. Thanks for cheering me up... You have always been the one to do that for me.. Love, MOM