It Has Been 2 Years... Jan 29th 2007

Well... I am sitting here tonight... alone... thinking of my boy... Wow.. back and forth... laughing and crying... it is so hard... I truly would NEVER wish this on anyone... For some of my newer friends .. My sweet 16 year old son died on January 29th 2005. He died playing a silly game calling "The Choking Game" or "The Pass Out Game" He learned the game at camp the summer before.. and had started playing it on his own. I didn't know... I didn't even know what this 'game' was.. I came home on the 27th and he had just moved into a different room and had just finished decorating it. He was sooo excited he met me at the door that night when I walked in from work.. Come see my room mom.. come on come on.. and I did.. It looked Great... we talked about painting a shelf and putting it above his bed and it would hold his Dan Marino and Jerome Betis footballs... I left his room to change and we called him to dinner 15 minutes later.. he didn't come... so we went down the hall to see what he was doing and the door was open and he was lying face down on the floor.. I called 911 and Ken started CPR... It was one of the two most horrible moments of my life.... He spent two days in Intensive Nuro Care... and we had 48 hrs from the time of the accident to decided whether to let him go .. or to leave him on life support like a vegetable.. all his organs were damaged and his brain kept swelling .. he could never return... so we made the choice to let him go home to our Father in heaven.. No parent should EVER have to do that. Holding my child as his heart stopped beating was the other most horrible moment of my life......
So.... here it is two years later... That gigantic hole in my heart is still there... I have been filling it with the wonderful memories that I have... No one can take them away.. It doesn't go away.. it just gets to be more tolerable...Somedays .. like today.. I give myself permission to just sit here and cry.. I want to share with you some of the things this life lesson has taught me..
1. Be greatful for every moment you have with those you love.. be patient, pay attention.. be loving... be kind... kiss them... hug them... Don't have any regrets. God has lent them to you and be sure to thank him for that.
2. Keep your faith... it is so important... God sends 'angels' to help you...just when you need it the most somebody pops into your life and you just say WOW how did that happen... Thanks Jesus..... just ask and he will carry you through.
3. Forgiveness..... Forgive unto others... as he forgives us... Hard to do sometimes but it can free you.
I am so grateful to all of you that have been here for me... helped me when I was psyco ..... and loved me unconditionally. You are my angels... and I thank God for you everyday!!!!!! Some of you know my pain and we share this cross and journey... I can't name you all ... but you who you are.. and I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!
I miss you Nickster... I know I write it over and over... your smile, your laugh, your scarying the shit out me, lol you helping me do stuff around the house, you driving me around, us all blasting the stereo in the car and singing like rockstars, lol waking you up every morning and you being sooo grumpy, you making me breakfast.. (champion egg flipper) you taking care of your sisters, you hustling my customers and building their swingsets for some extra cash, you reorganizing my cupboards for me monthly.. haha you sitting in your room letting out blood hurdling screams while playing that freakin X-box, that blank look on your face when I ask you were your progress report is... fighting over who is going to get the last of the mashed potatoes, ... I guess you were just like my best friend and I miss it all!!!! I know you are with me... I feel that in my heart.... I guess just like the song.. what gives me hope is knowing we will be together again someday...
Peace... Peace... my baby boy.... my best friend.. I miss you more than words can describe....... I Love You, Mom...
If you are reading this and you have a memory.. please share.. That always cheers me up!! You can also visit his website at www.nickserna.com